Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
