haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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