i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
