hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
