Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
