My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
