She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We named our party play list daddy issues
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize