And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
