You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
