im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You can't special order awesome
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
