note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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