She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
