Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize