How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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