saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
