Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
