I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
