I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
