Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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