Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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