also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize