its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
