guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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