Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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