Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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