Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
