i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
