she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
