Operation Purity has been aborted
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
