I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
