booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
