So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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