he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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