You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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