I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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