so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
