Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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