I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
