life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
