We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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