Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
