Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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