I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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