He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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