And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
