He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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