Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
