I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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