apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
