Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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