We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
