I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
