ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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