i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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