I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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