i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
