so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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