I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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