I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
