just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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