I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
