I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
