For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
