It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
do herpes really smell.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
