I'm going to jail i love you
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
