What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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