He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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