Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
