The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize